JP’s Story: Part 3: Vicious Cycles
To read part two, click here.
I have always had an irregular cycle, since the beginning of time.
At least, that’s how long it feels.
It was not a problem until I could not easily conceive.
Miss J was a surprise.
A wonderful surprise.
Discovered at 20 weeks, producing no symptoms and no bump.
An absence of periods for that length of time was not unusual for me.
I suspected nothing.
And her easy conception allayed any fears regarding my fertility.
It would appear this is true of the medical professionals as well as of my personal concerns.
And when the boy appeared inside me – without so much as a whisper of effort on our part – it only served to reinforce our beliefs.
That there was nothing to worry about!
There was a time when I had never taken a negative pregnancy test.
I have four tests squirreled away, each one marked positive.
Two for each child.
Kept this long because I could not just destroy something that had brought us such good news.
But now, alongside those, are dozens more tests.
Not kept for posterity, but hidden into the far reaches of the rubbish bin.
Out of sight.
But never out of mind.
Each one a painful reminder of my failure to reproduce.
Each one mocking me with its stubborn refusal to show a second line.
Each one marking the passage of time as we become enveloped in this most vicious of circles.
I do not even know if I am ovulating.
I do not even know if it is possible for us to conceive again.
But still we try.