The Guilt of Modern Motherhood
Sitting down to relax in my living room after a full on, busy morning with the little ones, I picked up my copy of Red Magazine and settled down on my sofa for some much needed ‘me’ time.
It was around 12.30pm and our twins were sleeping peacefully in their cots following their lunch.
It’s not often that I actually get to sit down and relax. When our twins are awake they constantly want to play and I’m forever sitting up, standing down, running around or being told to dance like some sort of performing monkey!
Come nap time – my children’s nap time that is! Although I wish I could have a nap some days – I dig out my personal planner, to-do list and turn my lap top on.
My phone sits at my side like a loyal best friend and my hot mug of tea sits on the floor getting cold.
It’s time to catch up on some blogging. I’ll either make a start on the long list of posts that I want to write or I’ll do some general editing and minor changes to the blog. I love it, but some days it feels never ending.
This particular day though as I flipped through the pages of my magazine a headline caught my eye…
“What The Tiger Mother Did Next”
Intrigued I began reading the article and whilst shuffling in my seat and on occasion nodding my head in agreement at some of the points in the article, it really made me think about how we view motherhood and parenting in today’s society.
If you’re not familiar with the ‘Tiger Mother’ and by the way neither was I until I read this article, let me just take a moment to get you up to speed.
Amy Chua, AKA the Tiger Mother, is the author of best-selling book, ‘Battle hymn of the tiger mother.’ It’s a controversial parenting ‘manual’ in which Amy shares her strict parenting techniques.
I’ve not read this book or any of her other 3 books, but I think I have a fairly good understanding of her ideas from reading the article in the April edition of Red Magazine.
Amy explains that she has high expectations for her children.
Rather than spending their time like other children their own age, Amy’s daughter’s aren’t allowed sleepovers or TV.
Instead they face hours of additional study after school as well as music practise and any money that they earn from their weekend jobs have to be saved.
Even her Husband, Jed, has described his Wife’s parenting methods as brutal. Whilst I find myself reflecting on my own parenting approach I can’t help but think that some of Amy’s approaches may actually work.
For example, Jed recalls a time when Amy made one of her daughters play a difficult piece on the piano. Like most parents, after a little while if one of my children couldn’t get the hang of the piece after a little practise, I think I would have suggested a break and maybe returned to it later or possibly another day.
Amy however insisted that her daughter repeat the piece again and again and again. Until, finally she played the piece. I can imagine the delight and elation both Amy and her daughter must have felt. The lesson taught here is that if you work hard and practise then you can do it. You can do anything.
But…
Is it worth a solitary, lonely childhood?
A child brought up this way, who never feels good enough and is always being tested to push themselves further.
Doesn’t this make them feel insecure and unworthy?
I wasn’t allowed sleepovers as a child and I always felt like I was missing out on something. Even more so I felt left out of my own group of friends.
Does pushing a child to the best of their abilities empower them to be successful and give them the drive to succeed?
Of course then there is the other end of the spectrum. The parents who want to protect their children from everything. Failure included. In one of my previous posts I wrote about my feelings of protectiveness over my children.
A parents natural instinct is to protect their child and to raise them with unconditional love. We instinctively want to ‘fix’ things for them and provide them with instant gratification by giving them what they want when they want it.
But, is this method of parenting setting your child up for failure?
If we don’t push our children, how will they know what they’re truly capable of? Can you imagine if Amy hadn’t pushed her daughter to try again and try again to play that piece. Ultimately, she would have been teaching her daughter that it was ok to quit.
Of course I think it’s ok to quit, but when you’re a so called ‘Tiger Mother’ quitting would have been the last thing on Amy’s mind and I can see in this instance the benefits of not allowing her to quit.
I think there is a big difference between being a ‘pushy parent’ and being a ‘push-over parent.’
I want to provide my children with all that they want, but at the same time, I want them to understand and appreciate the value of money, time and patience.
I want them to experience the feeling of self satisfaction and happiness when you’ve worked hard for something.
I think it’s great that Amy wants her children to achieve and to be the best that they can be, but I do believe there is a limit.
All too often in today’s world we see and hear stories of the ‘perfect family’. I mean all you have to do is look at your Facebook news feed to see examples of this.
I mean nobody’s going to post a status about their child randomly deciding to take their nappy off and pooping on the floor, whilst your other child was having a tantrum on the floor because you told them not to draw on the walls!
We’re made to feel guilty about leaving our children to play by themselves for just a few moments so you can brush your hair or do the dishes.
We’re made to feel guilty about leaving our children to go to work or even to have a bit of quality time with your other half.
I don’t think either method of parenting is right or wrong. I truly believe the situation depends on which method would work best.
I’m really looking forward to reading her book and discovering more!
What do you think? Have you read Amy’s book? Are you a Tiger Mother?
14 Comments
Lucinda Turner
May 16, 2014 at 8:24 am
Wow her methods seem a bit extreme but as you pointed out I can see how they can work for some. I don't think they'd suit me but sounds like a very interesting read! x #binkylinky
Emily
May 20, 2014 at 6:25 pm
No they don't suit me either, but I can see her point of view x
mama’sVIB
May 16, 2014 at 11:57 am
Thanks for sharing this – never heard of tiger parenting before. I am join to dig out my untouched Red magazine and have a read. I think I agree with you on this – but sure can see how it works for other mothers.
Emily
May 20, 2014 at 6:26 pm
It's a grey read if you get the chance!
Pinkyprincess
May 16, 2014 at 2:58 pm
I dotn like it. Kids are kids. Children learn through play and that is so so important.
Emily
May 20, 2014 at 6:27 pm
Play is very important for children to learn things. I can see Amy's point of view, even if I do think it's a little harsh!
Hannah Budding Smiles
May 16, 2014 at 3:31 pm
I think a good mix is necessary – Although possibly hard to achieve (Get back to me after Bubs is born, never mind at school!) I like to think I'll encourage my children to achieve their personal best in life, be that academically, creatively etc, but I think the key word is 'encourage' rather than 'force'!xx #BinkyLinky
Emily
May 20, 2014 at 6:28 pm
Totally agree with you! I'd never force my kids to do anything, but I do try to encourage them x
You Baby Me Mummy
May 16, 2014 at 3:45 pm
I have never heard of this before. Blimey, sounds a bit harsh to me. Children need love and support, not drilling like army cadets x
mel cowlishaw
May 16, 2014 at 8:36 pm
I can't say what is right or wrong, all I will say is she obviously has more stamina than I do! I would give up (and have done many times) trying to get a child to do something they didn't want to!
Victoria MyLittleLBlog
May 17, 2014 at 9:25 pm
mm i personally cant say what does work and what doesnt, much it really seems too brutal not to allow children to do normal childish things, i had strict mum and due to that I was extremely shy and closed child and i never think about it as a positive moment of my childhood
mami2five
May 18, 2014 at 8:55 pm
I don't like it… There can be a happy medium between the two extremes. Encouragement to persevere with a task is a good thing but I think she may be bringing up very socially awkward children who will break down at the mere thought of failing. Failing is a normal part of life, children need to know how to deal with it. As adults we fail at things too, like burning dinner. But that's okay, its not the end of the world we can just order pizza 🙂
As far as the extra work is concerned. Young children learn best through play. You can guide that play to encourage learning. But essentially it should still be play. This is why the foundation stage was introduced. If the kids are older(comp age) then some extra work is expected. But socialising and taking risks is just as important in their development.
We don't have TV but the children can feel excluded from some conversations with their friends about things like Britains Got Talent or Dr Who etc. They watch these things online so they can feel part of the group.
BakedPotatoMummy
May 19, 2014 at 5:54 am
There are so many different 'parenting techniques' out there that it's so easy to judge how other people chose to parent. I'd never heard of this 'Tiger Mother' before and I must admit it sounds harsher that I like, but everybody finds the best way of doing things for them and their family. I personally prefer to learn through play but I do make a point of trying to encourage Potato to keep going until he succeeds, rather than giving up if it gets too hard.
Thanks for linking up with #BinkyLinky
Loving life with little ones
May 21, 2014 at 12:29 pm
Not a method for me but we all need a bit of pushing and a bit of fun at times, a mix is better for the wellbeing I think