Talking to children about death
Last month saw me talking to my children about death. The conversation came around quite unexpectedly and rather innocently.
It was a few days before mothers day and I was talking to R and M about that coming Sunday. I told them that nanna would be coming over for Sunday lunch because it was mothers day and that nanna was daddy’s mummy.
R and M asked me where my mummy was.
I thought for a moment about what I should say. How I should explain to them both that my mum was no longer with us.
R and M have only just turned three so I didn’t want to scare them, but I didn’t want to lie to them either.
I tried to choose my words carefully which resulted in me saying…
My mummy doesn’t live down here with us. She lives up high in the sky with the clouds in a place called Heaven.
R and M looked a bit confused. They asked me why my mummy was in the sky.
I told them both that my mummy hadn’t been very well and that the doctors hadn’t been able to make her better so she went to live in the sky where she could be happy.
I think they kind of understood what I was saying, well as far as a three year olds understanding can go.
M said that she wanted my mummy to come down.
Holding back the tears I told M that my mummy couldn’t come down.
M got a bit upset and asked again for my mummy to come down.
I said again that she couldn’t, but that I could show her a picture of my mummy.
R and M both looked at the picture and smiled.
M then said that she thinks my mummy is running in the clouds.
A nice thought indeed.
A few days later it was mothers day and we’d planned to go to the crematorium to lay some flowers down for my mum.
R and M asked why and I really didn’t know what to say.
Thankfully my husband stepped in and said that we were going to put the flowers down in the place where my mum had gone up to the sky.
I’m sure as the years pass by I’ll have this conversation over and over again with our girls. That’s a good thing because I obviously want them to know all about my mum.
Have you had to explain death to a child? How did you do it?
13 Comments
Catriona Stephen
April 8, 2015 at 11:10 am
I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be. I think you explained it them in a lovely way. Sending hugs xxx
Victoria Hockley
April 8, 2015 at 12:46 pm
We had to deal with this last year when James was 21 months old. My nannie died rather suddenly and James was really close to her. The best way we found was telling him nannie was a star in the sky. Even now nearly a year later he tells us nannie is star in sky
Georgina Kent
April 10, 2015 at 6:59 am
Gosh I can't imagine how difficult that conversation was for you 🙁 I'm dreading the day I have to have that conversation with Squidge 🙁
Georgina
Mummy Pixie
#binkylinky
Sophie P
April 10, 2015 at 8:11 am
We had to say something similar to M. Hubbys Dad is no longer with us, so we told M that he lives in the sky and she thought that that was lovely. It is hard and one day I am sure we will have to go into more detail but for now, the concept of living in the sky seems fine for her! 🙂 #binkylinky
Sarah Howe – Run Jump Scrap
April 10, 2015 at 11:01 am
Oh that made me feel so sad. Bless you. You sound like you handled that so well. It must be tricky. Not got there yet but I will remember this post when I do. ️Xx #binkylinky
Therese Gilbert
April 10, 2015 at 1:13 pm
Such a wonderful way of talking about it. 🙂
I'm sorry to hear about your mum. It's never easy when we loose loved ones. 🙁
We just a few days ago lost a family member who meant a great deal to us all, so this was a talk I had with my own kids just a few days ago.
#binkylinky
Ashley Beolens
April 10, 2015 at 3:32 pm
Teaching kids about death is probably the hardest thing you can ever do telling them now before they have to deal with the loss probably makes more sense than waiting until you have to.
Laura Harris
April 11, 2015 at 8:18 am
I think each person deals with telling their children difficult things like death in their own way. It has to be like this because there is no definitive answer as an adult. Many spend their entire lives trying to discover what happens when we die. I have been totally honest with my daughter (4) whenever she's asked me things like that. I figure it's the only thing I can be. I don't know what happens when we die, we go to sleep but don't wake back up. I'm not sure where 'we' go, all I know is that as sad as it is, we don't come back.
I think you handled the situation as best as any parent could. I love what your husband said though- lovely idea xx
Jenny Eaves
April 11, 2015 at 8:43 pm
It's so hard to explain to children these things. I want my boys to be innocent and not worried about people dying until their older, but It has come up with O a couple of times now. Last year, just before he was 3 my grandpa died, we all went to the funeral together, but O was satisfied with the fact that great grandpa had gone away. This year he has been asking about the grave yard we walk through to toddlers and I told him that dead people are buried by the stones, under the grass. The gravestones are so we can remember them and where they are buried. Again he seemed satisfied with this explanation. I don't think he entirely 'gets' it, but hopefully he'll understand next time we discuss it. Xx
Claire Campbell-Adams
April 12, 2015 at 4:04 pm
That must have been such a hard conversation, especially when confronted with it out the blue. My daughter is circling the subject at the moment so it helps to read how you and Nigel dealt with it. Thanks. #binkylinky
Victoria Welton
April 15, 2015 at 10:08 pm
It is very hard to teach children about death. Grace's paternal gran passed away when she was 4 and she didn't really understand. It wasn't until our cat, Muse, died last September that Grace really understood the full impact. She really gets it now. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x
Ickle Pickle
April 16, 2015 at 8:31 pm
Oh gosh – that must have been so hard 🙁 x
Al Ferguson
April 17, 2015 at 7:53 am
Crikey! Not an easy subject at all!