When I was growing up I always knew that I wanted to be a mum. I wanted two children, a husband and a nice home along with a great job, good friends and to be financially secure.
I never imagined that when I did eventually become a mum I would do so without my own mum.
It was just a given as far as I was concerned. She’d be my children’s nanna, my supportive shoulder to cry on and the person I could turn to when I needed help, advice or a break.
Mum died almost 10 years ago now when I was 18. I don’t think she ever envisaged not ever seeing her grandchildren or her own children get married and settled down for that matter.
I’m going to tell you something now that I’ve not told anyone before.
Absolutely freaking terrified of leaving my children alone in the world. I mean they wouldn’t be alone per say as they’d have their daddy, brother, sisters, aunt, uncle and cousins, but they wouldn’t have me. Their mum.
It’s sad to say that I came to a realisation the other day.
I don’t actually know what it’s like to have a grown-up, adult relationship with a parent.
That makes me feel sad and it’s certainly not how I ever imagined my life being.
Some people say that I think about things too much and I’d agree with that, but I think if I didn’t think about these things they’d just eat away inside of me until one day they’d explode out of me resulting in a possible meltdown!
I have to think about these things.
I need to rationalise things.
Anyway going back to my mum.
I don’t even know her favourite colour, her favourite perfume, food, film, book. There are so many unknowns.
I really want to ask my mum how she found having twins. (I’m a twin). I wanted to ask her for advice when my girls were born, but I couldn’t because she wasn’t there.
I have a picture of her on my fireplace. R and M have seen it and I’ve told them that it’s my mummy.
R asked me the other day where my mummy was. I told her that my mummy was above us. In the clouds in a place called heaven. R then asked me if my mummy could fly.
Holding back tears, I thought long and hard about what to say.
I wasn’t prepared for this conversation. This conversation with one of my two year old daughters.
I didn’t know what to say, so simply said ‘Yes’.
That was it.
The end of the conversation.
As quick as it had started, it had ended.
Next time I’ll be more prepared. I’ll think a bit more about what I should say to her.
One of the great things about blogging is that should anything happen, my children can read about me. They can read my words and find out things about me that they may not have known.
2015 will be the year that I start writing a daily diary of our family life. What we do each day. The tantrums and tears, my feelings – the truth, my real feelings about how easy or hard I’ve found the day as a parent. I hope one day my children will look back on it with fond memories.