Being a mum without a mum

December 31, 2014
When I was growing up I always knew that I wanted to be a mum. I wanted two children, a husband and a nice home along with a great job, good friends and to be financially secure.
I never imagined that when I did eventually become a mum I would do so without my own mum.
It was just a given as far as I was concerned. She’d be my children’s nanna, my supportive shoulder to cry on and the person I could turn to when I needed help, advice or a break.
Mum died almost 10 years ago now when I was 18. I don’t think she ever envisaged not ever seeing her grandchildren or her own children get married and settled down for that matter.
I’m going to tell you something now that I’ve not told anyone before.
I’m terrified.
Absolutely freaking terrified of leaving my children alone in the world. I mean they wouldn’t be alone per say as they’d have their daddy, brother, sisters, aunt, uncle and cousins, but they wouldn’t have me. Their mum. 


It’s sad to say that I came to a realisation the other day. 

I don’t actually know what it’s like to have a grown-up, adult relationship with a parent. 

That makes me feel sad and it’s certainly not how I ever imagined my life being.
Some people say that I think about things too much and I’d agree with that, but I think if I didn’t think about these things they’d just eat away inside of me until one day they’d explode out of me resulting in a possible meltdown!
I have to think about these things. 

I need to rationalise things. 

Anyway going back to my mum.
I don’t even know her favourite colour, her favourite perfume, food, film, book. There are so many unknowns.
I really want to ask my mum how she found having twins. (I’m a twin). I wanted to ask her for advice when my girls were born, but I couldn’t because she wasn’t there.
I have a picture of her on my fireplace. R and M have seen it and I’ve told them that it’s my mummy.
R asked me the other day where my mummy was. I told her that my mummy was above us. In the clouds in a place called heaven. R then asked me if my mummy could fly.
Holding back tears, I thought long and hard about what to say.
wasn’t prepared for this conversation. This conversation with one of my two year old daughters.
didn’t know what to say, so simply said ‘Yes’.
That was it. 

The end of the conversation.
As quick as it had started, it had ended.
Next time I’ll  be more prepared. I’ll think a bit more about what I should say to her.
One of the great things about blogging is that should anything happen, my children can read about me. They can read my words and find out things about me that they may not have known.
2015 will be the year that I start writing a daily diary of our family life. What we do each day. The tantrums and tears, my feelings – the truth, my real feelings about how easy or hard I’ve found the day as a parent. I hope one day my children will look back on it with fond memories.

18 Comments

  • TheBoyandMe

    December 31, 2014 at 1:22 am

    I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard it must be.

    1. Emily

      January 4, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      Thanks hun x

  • Jo Ojosworld Henley

    December 31, 2014 at 9:50 am

    Oh, my lovely. That was a hard question to answer. Maybe if you thought about how to answer it, you would get things straight, for yourself too. As for your parenting, I've met those girls, you are doing a fine job xx

    1. Emily

      January 4, 2015 at 8:38 pm

      It was. I definitely need to think about how I'm going to answer it. Thanks Jo xx

  • newcastle familylife

    December 31, 2014 at 10:39 am

    I had a tear in my eye reading this as this is so like my life as I lost my mum almost ten years ago now too . She died in an accident when I was 21 so she never got to meet my youngest two children . One of my greatest fears is leaving my children without a mum too as I know how hard it is. I think it is a lovely idea that you have of writting more about your daily life as I am sure one day when the girls are older they will read it all back and see what a lovely mummy they have and just how much they are loved . I hope you have a lovely new year xx

    1. Beth Twinderelmo

      December 31, 2014 at 10:55 am

      Sending you lots of love too xxxxxx

  • Beth Twinderelmo

    December 31, 2014 at 10:54 am

    My mom got 5 years with Charlie and 10 months with my twins so I am so grateful that she got to meet all my children but so bittersweet as she was diagnosed when my girls were 3 weeks old so pretty much the whole time that she knew them her illness hung over it. I could sense her heartbreak knowing she wouldn't get to see them on their first birthday.
    I share your utter panic at the thought of them having to deal with life knowing loss like I have. I have had a couple of complications and convinced myself that was it
    I'm so sad that both of our twins never will know their maternal grandmothers and that we have to raise them without the amazing guidance from these ladies. Emily – you are utterly amazing how you have done it all. I know wherever she is her heart will be bursting with pride. You are an inspiration to me too as there's so few people who understand twins let alone twins without the one person who makes everything ok. Being a Mommy without your own Mommy is devastating.
    xxxxxxxx

    1. Emily

      January 4, 2015 at 8:39 pm

      I'm so glad your mom got to meet your children. It must have been bittersweet, but it's great that you can tell your kids they met her. Thanks for your kind words xx

  • Georgina Kent

    January 2, 2015 at 10:50 am

    It's hard isn't it? It's been one of the bigger challenges for me so far too. I mean, it's great that Chris' mum is 10 mins away and very involved, but it's not the same as me being able to call my mum and ask her things. I was a little older than you when my mum died, I was 26, but still young, and this year in August it'll be 10 years too. I guess there'll always be things that will challenge us about the people we've lost, I know for me, having Squidge has been hard in that my mum isn't here and she desperately wanted grandchildren but never had any, and my brother was always badgering us to have kids, I just wish I'd known I was pregnant before he died (I would have been 2 weeks). Life likes to throw us curveballs, I guess all we can do is cope the best we can to show our kids that no matter what life throws at us, we put our best foot forward and carry on 🙂

    **hugs**

    Georgina #binkylinky
    Mummy Pixie

  • Michelle Murray

    January 2, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    I've had that thought too. I can't imagine leaving my two monkeys and for them to grow up without a mum. Its just so sad. I'm sure your mum is looking down on you and is proud of you and how you are sure a great mum xx #binkylinky

  • Louisa

    January 2, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. My ex lost his mom at 18 and has never really come to terms with it xx

  • Yvette @ Big Trouble in Little Nappies

    January 2, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    This is so well-written, but also so sad. I read about the loss of your Mum previously and really felt for you. I lost my Dad when I was younger, it has been hard and sad in so many ways, though I think the loss of your mum is even tougher. Good luck with the 2015 diary, lovely idea #binkylinky

  • zofloya11

    January 2, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    I can't imagine how hard this must be, and I think as a mum it is something we all worry about from time to time, but not in such an acute way as those who have experienced this loss.

  • Rachel @ Parenthood Highs and Lows

    January 3, 2015 at 2:52 pm

    This really brought a tear to my eye. I am so lucky to have my mum around, and I just cannot imagine life without her, but I know sometimes I take her presence for granted. Not any more. xx #binkylinky

  • Sportbilly

    January 4, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    What a brave post. I can relate so much to this, I lost my mum at 16, I'm also a twin and I gave birth to my first-born 2 weeks ago. I found myself sobbing my heart out last week thinking how sad it is that he'll never meet his maternal grandma. There is so much I'd love to ask her and so much I don't know about how she managed to raise twins. I hope you enjoy writing your diary and I hope you enjoy reading it back to your children in years to come xx

  • pinkoddy

    January 9, 2015 at 5:39 pm

    I should imagine my little brother is feeling much of this at the moment. He was only 14 when our mom died and he is 30 next month. His first birthday as a dad too, I guess I was lucky having my oldest young as he was 2 when she died.

    I wish I had some wise words to say to you, to offer you some comfort. Just know that she is always looking down on you all. xxx

  • Polka Dot Family

    January 13, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    How heartbreaking it must be to have lost your mum so young, I am sure that you are a credit to her in how you are bringing up your babies.

  • The Life & Loves of Lolly

    February 2, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    I lost my mum to cancer when I was 5 years old and then my dad when I was 15. I'm 22 now and have a gorgeous 7 month old boy but I like you are terrified of ever leaving him and i'm also in the situation where I didn't have the chance to have grown up experiences with my parents because I was young when they died. Being a mum or dad without your own is very hard but we get through it for the sake of our kids. It's funny, I've only just found your blog but I wrote a post not too long ago about the very same thing .
    http://www.thelifeandlovesoflolly.co.uk

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