I’m scared I’ll forget mum
It’s 11.30pm. Everyone is in bed except me. I stayed up late to watch the end of a film, but now that’s finished I find my mind going into overdrive.
I’m not sure why now or what’s made me think of her, but I find myself thinking of my mum. I feel an urge to be close to her, but that’s impossible because she died almost 11 years ago.
I turn off the light in the living room, kitchen and bathroom, then head into the spare bedroom downstairs. I open my jewellery box and gaze at the unopened ring boxes that contain some of my mums rings.
All I have left of her. I have my memories too, but as you’ll soon read, those seem to be fading fast.
I open the ring box and gaze down at some of her rings. I remember her wearing some of them. One in particular. I think it’s sapphires and diamonds, but I can’t be sure. I place the ring on my finger and go to bed.
As I lay in bed awake, next to my husband and twin girls, who are all asleep, I start thinking about my mum. She must have been so scared. She had cancer. She knew there was no cure and no way back from it. She knew she was dying and there was nothing she could do about it except try to manage the pain as best she could whilst putting on a brace face.
I try to put myself into her shoes, but I know that’s not possible because I can never truly begin to understand how she felt. Knowing that she would be leaving behind everyone. Never see her children marry, become parents and live their lives. It’s heart-breaking.
I try to think of something positive and try to find my memories of her, but I struggle. Maybe it’s because it’s now almost midnight and I’m tired or maybe because they’ve started to fade?
I feel guilty that I haven’t been to the crematorium for a while, but I wonder if that really matters? Do I need to visit to feel like I’ve been to see her? To feel like I’m doing my bit as it were or is it really ok to just remember her and think about her instead?
My memories of my mum are:
Being on holiday and watching her come down a waterslide and lose her top. She thought it was hilarious!
Going shopping into town with her – my sister and I knew we’d get a McDonalds out her!
Watching her make toffee in our kitchen – she always made the best toffee!
Watching her make Christmas cake – she made one every year and I’m keen to carry this tradition on
I have some other memories too. Memories of my mum when she was ill. Having chemotherapy, losing her hair, losing weight etc, but I try not to think of those memories.
I’m scared I’ll forget my memories of her and I don’t know how to preserve them other than to write them down here.
14 Comments
Katie Davies
February 25, 2016 at 9:18 am
We'll never forget her we have lots of memories and some great photos 🙂
Kim Carberry
February 25, 2016 at 12:20 pm
Sending hugs…It is heartbreaking.
I think writing the memories down is a great idea.
Thinking of you x
Susan Mann
February 25, 2016 at 3:58 pm
Hugs honey. My dad died 13 years ago and he was my everything. I never go through a day without thinking of him or missing him. But like you I fear I will forget those memories, I talk to the kids about him. I tell them stories, just like you have here. It is hard, we live each day, but part of us is with them. Big hugs and here if you want to talk xx
Money Saver Mum
February 25, 2016 at 7:22 pm
Beautifully written and so poignant. Writing down those memories will help preserve them.
Hannah Latoya Bond
February 25, 2016 at 7:34 pm
Hold on to those memories. I lost my mom too 6 years ago, it was really hard but I've made it through. You will never forget your mom, she will be with you always x
Laura
February 25, 2016 at 7:34 pm
I feel your pain. My father passed away 11 years ago after a battle with Cancer. We talk about him and look at photos but it is getting harder to remember the little things so clearly. The things that really matter. But she will be inside of you as you parent. You will catch yourself saying something that she said to you, or baking her favourite cake, or keeping traditions alive. Her memory will live on through your actions x
Mrs Tubbs
February 26, 2016 at 12:59 pm
Sending hugs! We talk about my mum regularly to keep her memory alive, but then she pops up in a word or gesture or when you stumble upon something. I don't think they ever stop being with you.
Jeremy Barnes
February 26, 2016 at 1:25 pm
I had these same thoughts when my grandparents passed. Its been close to twenty years now, and I can still picture them both and hear their voices just by closing my eyes. You never forget.
Sarah Howe
February 26, 2016 at 7:28 pm
I thought this when my Dad passed but he won't leave me and nor will your Mum. You sound like you have lovely memories and so so sad she left you so soon but your memories will live on through you and the girls. Sending hugs xx
Something Crunchy Mummy
February 26, 2016 at 8:00 pm
With such lovely memories you won't forget her. She sounds like she was a lovely lady. Thanks got hosting #binkylinky xx
Someone’s Mum
February 26, 2016 at 8:17 pm
Even if the exact details of certain moments fade – you can never forget ger. Her influence shaped you, made you who you are. Her legacy is in everything you do and in turn passed to your children. And in writing down your thoughts you have preserved that desire to be close to her. Big hugs #binkylinky
Mimiroseandme
February 26, 2016 at 9:24 pm
Sending lots of hugs your way. I have always found that for my mum who lost both her parent to always talk about those memories – have a laugh at the good times. If not as many have mentioned write down the memories you have of your mum! Thank you so much for sharing. #BinkyLinky
Helen Gandy – Beautiful Things
February 28, 2016 at 8:31 pm
Keep tight hold of those memories lovely, keep them close they will never leave you. #binkylinky
Morgan Prince
February 29, 2016 at 5:25 pm
Writing down memories is a great way to preserve them. Also I think you'll find that the smell of toffee, or Christmas cake, will trigger memories of your mum. They're smells that will connect you to her because you remember those things. I don't think you need to visit a particular place to remember your mum, simply thinking of her you're paying your respects. xxx
#binkylinky