A Step-mum at 20
When I was a child, I often dreamed about having my own children. Like many little girls I pushed dolls around in toy pushchairs and pretended to care for a baby using a doll as my child. It was all pretty innocent stuff!
I’ve always wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember. However I never ever thought that I would be a step-mum first.
I use the word ‘step-mum’ lightly though. I don’t see myself as their mum. They have a mum already. I see myself as their dad’s wife and hopefully they see me as their friend too.
The way in which I see them though is that they are my ‘step-children’.
It’s awkward to explain as I don’t really know how to put it into words. They’re not children anymore. They’re all adults now, but when I first met them they were aged just 7, 8 and 10.
I knew when I met my now husband that he had three children. It didn’t bother me in the slightest. I knew that one day I would meet them and that time came around a year into our relationship.
Throughout the year leading up to me meeting them, my husband had talked to his children about me to help prepare them.
I assume they were just as nervous about meeting me as I was about meeting them!
We arranged to meet on boxing day at my mother-in-laws house. It was neutral ground for all of us so we hoped that would make everyone feel comfortable.
My husband and I arrived first. A short while later he went out to pick up his children up whilst I waited at my mother-in-laws.
It felt like the longest wait ever!
I was nervous. Really nervous. Aside from my cousin who is around 10 years younger than me, I hadn’t really had much experience with children.
Would they like me?
What would we talk about?
Will it be awkward?
Those were just a few of the questions spinning around in my head. I knew it may be uncomfortable for them to meet me because they lived with their mum and I didn’t want them to feel as though I was taking their dad away from them. Far from it. I encouraged him to see them.
The day went fairly well. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but nothing went wrong so I guess all round it went well.
Following our first meeting his children would come over to ours for tea on a Monday and they’d spend the day with us every Saturday. They also stayed over the last weekend of every month.
If I have to be completely honest I often felt alienated. As though as I was on the outside looking in.
I was in my home, but I didn’t feel comfortable in it.
Sometimes his children would wait until I was out of the room before they would ask their dad something or talk to him about something. I felt like I was in the way.
If he left the room, quite often his children would follow him there and I’d hear them whispering to him about something. I felt left out.
I can understand why they did that because they didn’t really know me so they may not have felt comfortable talking to their dad about certain things in front of me.
In all honesty I think it took me and them a good few years to feel completely comfortable and relaxed around each other. I think having my own children played a massive part in that. In a way they were kind of an ‘ice-breaker’.
I was always aware that by having a child, well twins as it turned out, with their dad, that they may feel pushed out and I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. Inevitably at times they may well have felt left out, if for example, they wanted a lift somewhere, but couldn’t have one because we were both taking care of our twins.
We’ve had our moments over the years where we’ve fallen out or disagreed over something, but I guess that’s to be expected.
Nowadays I’m pleased to say that I get on well with all of them. They visit regularly and the youngest, now 16, still comes over on a Monday and Saturday. He’s brilliant with our twins. He always has time for them and they adore him. I’m sure all this practice will make him a wonderful dad when he’s older!
The dynamics of families can be a strange one. There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ or ‘traditional’ family. When I was growing up, family to me meant that you had a mum and dad, who were married and stayed together forever, and they usually had two children together. That simply doesn’t apply anymore and families, big or small, come in all shapes and sizes.
What are the dynamics of your family? Are you a step-parent? How did you find this?
20 Comments
Ashley Beolens
March 25, 2015 at 8:18 am
You have obviously taken to it well 🙂 I cannot empathise but my partner is step-mum to my boys and has done a great job too, I can't imagine how tough it must be.
Amanda Masters
March 25, 2015 at 9:01 am
Sounds like you all adjusted well, it's such a big leap for everyone involved but I'm so glad you have built such good relationships with them all.
Morna Piper
March 25, 2015 at 10:55 am
I admire you so much! I come from the traditional family model and I honestly don't know if I could have done what you have. I really enjoyed reading your post #madmidweekbloghop
Lianne
March 25, 2015 at 11:37 am
I was the step-child when my dad married a women 10years younger then him, we get on really well now but we have had our fair share of challenges. It definatly helps if you are a friend more then an authority figure. It sounds like you have a good set up with your step children, you've done a good job #MadMidWeekBlogHop
Nicola Fraser
March 25, 2015 at 12:34 pm
I too am a step mother and I have always said to my step kids. I'm Nikki not your step mum because you have a mum and no one can replace her do I'm not going to try. We try to be friends but I do sometime have to be the authority figure when my husband is at work.
Nicola Johnston
March 25, 2015 at 3:58 pm
I really enjoyed this post! I became a stepmum at 20 too and it definitely was a struggle. I get on with my stepdaughter brilliantly, and 5 years on its even better, especially as she now has a little sister! 🙂 but I know that feeling of 'out of place' in your own home. I used to dread the weekends just because I felt so isolated, but that got so much easier with time. It's nice to see an honest view of what a 'modern' family is like.
Nicola x
http://Www.lovelittlepoppins.co.uk
Charlotte A
March 25, 2015 at 5:56 pm
I was a similar age to you when I became a 'step-mum' to my partners little girl. I think I was 22 when I first met her, and we had been together for around a year by then. I had no idea how to adjust to suddenly being a step-parent but for such a young child (she was 2) she made it very easy. There wasn't really any awkwardness and in fact I felt like I was doing a pretty good job. It did get harder as she grew up though. She is 7 now and I sometimes feel a bit like I don't know what to say to her, now that she has her own opinions and is off doing her own thing a lot of the time. I also think that as the relationship between her mum and dad is so poor it has made it very hard for me to really find my place in her life. Now that me and her Dad have 'separated' it is even harder, but I still say that I have two children if anyone asks.
Tracey Egan
March 26, 2015 at 4:25 pm
Hi I really enjoyed reading your post. You are so honest and brave and I'm sure your new family will appreciate that especially as they get older and learn to value those qualities. it's hard enough to manage twins without having to make sure your step-children are happy too! Sounds like you are doing a good job!
Tracey Egan
March 26, 2015 at 4:43 pm
ps …. #multipltemadness
Laura Harris
March 27, 2015 at 8:21 am
When I met my (now ex) husband I knew he had two children from previous relationships. It didn't bother me either- I was too naive to think it would ever be a problem. I was 17. I know exactly what you mean about feeling alienated in your own home- I'm glad it wasn't just me! I actually at times felt like I was constantly treading on eggshells, afraid of what I did or said.
I get on brilliantly with his daughter (now 14- I met her when she was just 14 months old) but I have nothing to do with his son. I'm glad it worked out nicely for you. Thanks for sharing #binkylinky x
Catriona Stephen
March 27, 2015 at 9:08 am
Even though I became a Mother at 19 I can't imagine what it would be like to be a Step-Mum. It sounds like you did a great job, families wouldn't be families without disgreements and having moments 🙂 xx
Ickle Pickle
March 27, 2015 at 9:45 am
Mummy was a step mum to my daddy's daughter, (they've split up now) she hated it 🙁 she was made to feel very inadequate and useless. She dreaded school holidays. It can be very difficult. X
Anne Stone
March 27, 2015 at 2:19 pm
I remember having step-brothers and sister when I was young but we all got on really well, they stayed over at ours and I even went to stay at theirs. I only wished we'd kept in touch when my Step-Dad passed away when I was still young.
Stacey Memories
March 27, 2015 at 2:38 pm
Families these days do come in all shapes and sizes. We have a very traditional family, but I know others that don't. One of my old friends had a grandchild the same age as their child…. if it works, it works, its your family no one elses. I think your a a great step mum, for the fact that you didn't turn them away, or want to be treated like a "mum" #binkylinky
Kate
March 28, 2015 at 11:22 am
Glad everything has worked out well for you and your family. I can imagine it must have been difficult to adjust for all of you, but it must be lovely to have such a big family when you all get together 🙂
Sophie P
March 28, 2015 at 3:33 pm
So pleased you're happy and it worked out!! Thank you for hosting #binkylinky x
Something Crunchy Mummy
March 29, 2015 at 8:11 pm
So glad it all worked out in the end. My parents split up and now have new partners but I was a lot older when this happened and had loves out of home so to be honest didn't bother me too much xx
Joanna McCaffrey
March 29, 2015 at 8:30 pm
I don't have experience with step children, but I see what you mean. They met you as largely shaped young human beings. I think a divorce can be a moment in a child's life, which makes them grow up. It is difficult to step into their life after that. I'm sure they are full of conflicting feelings.
It sounds like you've done very well! And you are doing great with your twins xx
#binkylinky
Victoria Welton
March 29, 2015 at 10:59 pm
What a great post. It sounds like you have handled all this so well – well done for not 'trying' and just 'being'. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x
Katie Humphrey
March 30, 2015 at 9:31 pm
It must be so hard to feel isolated in your own home but I'm glad you all got through it. It's also been lovely to hear both sides of this story, thanks for linking up with #MultipleMadness