10 Year Anniversary of Mums Death
Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my mums death.
I was 18 years old when she passed away from ovarian cancer.
She’d been battling cancer for a number of years. I can’t remember exactly how old I was when my parents sat me down to tell my sister and I. I can’t remember how I reacted either.
What I can remember is this.
The first few years weren’t too bad. Well, weren’t too bad in terms of having cancer, which as you can imagine is pretty bad.
My parents obviously shielded my sister and I from most of the details, but I do remember my mum having chemotherapy, wearing cold caps to try to save her hair and even more visible, I remember her dramatic weight loss.
I also remember being so selfish. Given the choice of going out with my friends one night or staying at home with my mum, I chose to go out. I could see from mums face that she wanted me to stay home, but I went anyway.
A decision I always regret. I know mum won’t hold it against me, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ll always regret that decision.
I remember arriving home one day to see the doctors car parked outside. I knew it wasn’t good news.
I went in and found mum in bed with dad sat next to her. The doctor was sat on the other side of the bed. Nothing needed to be said. I knew from the looks on their faces that nothing more could be done and now all there was left to do was to make mum as comfortable as possible.
My mum was great.
She was outgoing, adventurous and always had a smile on her face.
I remember going on holiday with her and she’d always be the first to go on the water slides. Every time she came out the bottom her bathers would fall down so she’d be flashing everyone! She thought it was hilarious!
She was a great mum.
The best mum and she would have been an amazing grand mum.
She made it to her 50th birthday, but sadly last was her last.
The Christmas before her birthday my dad, sister and I went to the hospital with all of our Christmas gifts. We sat around her bed and opened our presents. I watched mum open her presents too.
It’s heart breaking to know that she knew it would be the last time she ever saw us do that. It was heart breaking for us too.
I can’t begin to imagine how she must have been feeling.
To know that you’d never see your children grow up, get a job, get married and have children simply makes my heart ache.
To know that you’ll never see another Christmas or birthday again.
Knowing that you’ll never meet your grand-children. Never celebrate their birth, be their when I needed her, celebrated their first steps and first words. It makes me feel sad and desperate for her, and my children.
I couldn’t imagine it. I don’t know how I would have coped.
Not being able to see my children grow up – I struggle to think about it.
She put on such a brave face.
I remember going to one of her hospital appointments with her and my dad. I didn’t realise how bad she’d got until dad asked me to help mum out of the car whilst he found a parking space.
I could feel the bones in her back. Her spine protruded out from under her skin. Her face was gaunt and had a yellow tint to it.
She struggled to walk. She was weak, but she was fighting. She was determined.
Soon the time came that she would never leave hospital.
Her final days would be spent confined to a hospital bed surrounded by doctors, nurses, other cancer patients and their families.
The morning my dad rang for me and my sister to go into hospital I knew the time to say goodbye had come.
Dad spent every night with her, by her side. He never left her alone.
As my sister and I arrived at the hospital we were taken into a side room and the news that we’d lost our mum was broken to us.
Today I have many tears for her, endless tears, but that date. May 22nd 2005, I struggled to find them.
Everyone around me was crying, sobbing uncontrollably, but not me. I couldn’t cry. I don’t know why and it made me feel bad. I felt as though as I had to cry to show that I cared, but now that I’m older I understand.
I didn’t cry because I knew that day would be coming and I’d cried every day up until that day. I had no more tears left. It was inevitable, we knew this day would come and now that it was finally here I was relieved that my mum would suffer no more.
I tell my children about my mum all the time. I tell her that she’s in the sky. They ask if she can fly, if she has wings. Beautiful wings, the most beautiful wings you’ve ever seen I say and she flies so high in the sky and through the clouds!
They ask the best questions. When we go in an aeroplane will we see her? No, I say, but she can always see us.
I show them photos of her and I make sure that she’ll always be remembered.
Today will be spent with my children, my sister and her children. We’ll go to the crematorium and lay down flowers for her. We’ll have some food and celebrate her life.
Cancer sucks.
20 Comments
Chloe
May 22, 2015 at 7:19 am
Oh my. My heart completely goes out to you & your family.
This has reduced me to tears.
What a beautiful heartfelt post.
I really hope you have a lovely day with your family. I'm sure your mum would be so proud of you & your sister for raising such amazing little ones. xxx
Sophie P
May 22, 2015 at 7:26 am
I'm so sorry. I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I can't imagine what you went through and still going through! Thoughts are with you and your family today! 🙂 x #binkylinky
Izzie Anderton
May 22, 2015 at 10:51 am
I am so sorry for your loss and that your lovely mum didn't get to see her gorgeous grandchildren. I'm certain that she'd be very proud of you all. Thinking of you today x
#PoCoLo
Helen Gandy – Beautiful Things
May 22, 2015 at 11:07 am
Oh my word, what an emotional post and beautifully written. Lots of love.
Helen – #binkylinky
Random Musings
May 22, 2015 at 12:01 pm
I'm so sorry. I think we all dread the day we lose our mums and for it to happen to you so young is heart breaking. I can understand why you regret not spending the extra time with her, but if it's any consolation your mum would have wanted you to enjoy being a teenager, and seeing friends is a huge part of that. Cancer is the worst thing in the world. Even for the lucky ones who survive it, it causes so much pain and destruction. Thinking of you and your family today.
Thank you for hosting the #binkylinky
Debbie (My Random Musings)
Mummy Fever
May 22, 2015 at 12:24 pm
Oh gosh – so hard at any age but as a child it must have been devastating. I remember vividly everytime my mum was in hospital when I was younger, It always seemed to be on my birthday. #BinkyLinky
Jeremy Barnes
May 22, 2015 at 12:56 pm
sorry for your loss. The only thing scarier than something happening to our kids is the thought that something might happen to us and we won't be able to be there for them
Lianne
May 22, 2015 at 3:38 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mum sounded like such a brave and courageous women.
I can relate to not crying when given such devastating news, I find it hard to accept something that is just told to me and its not until the funeral and when I actually get to say goodbye that it hits me and I cry.
Cancer is such an evil thing and it takes no prisoners.
#BinkyLinky
Sarah Howe – Run Jump Scrap
May 22, 2015 at 6:08 pm
I am so sorry to hear your lost your lovely Mum so long ago.You are right cancer really does suck and it's awful it robbed your Mum of that time with you and your family. It does make you fear death a bit when a family member dies and then you have children. I lost my Dad when I was pregnant to early onset Alzheimers and like you, I knew it was coming. You start to mourn early on. I think about him everyday now and sometimes I have to think twice and realise, my Dad is dead. It's such a sad but bizarre feeling. I'm sure she is watching down on you and your lovely family and is so proud xxx #binkylinky
Stacey G
May 22, 2015 at 8:12 pm
Oh my, I teared up reading this. We lost my MiL to cancer nearly 2 years ago and her last birthday was her 50th so that resonated with me too. Lots of love to you on such a difficult day x
Something Crunchy Mummy
May 22, 2015 at 8:14 pm
Beautiful post. Your mum sounds so brave and strong, and you really are the strongest person for talking so openly to your children and they will love you for that. #binkylinky xx
Ickle Pickle
May 22, 2015 at 8:25 pm
Oh my lovely, sending huge hugs, I just cannot imagine life without my mum – and I am 43! Beautiful post. Kaz x x
Ali
May 22, 2015 at 8:38 pm
this is so beautifully written, I'm having trouble typing through the tears. It does suck you're right. Lots of hugs for future 22nd of Mays xxx Ali @ Mum in a Nutshell #binkylinky
Kim Carberry
May 22, 2015 at 8:44 pm
I'm so sorry….Thinking of you!
Your mum sounded like such an lovely lady!
Beautifully written! Hugs x
newcastle familylife
May 22, 2015 at 8:55 pm
Thinking of you today. I hope you had a lovely day with your family xx
Victoria Welton
May 22, 2015 at 11:00 pm
Oh my lovely, I am so very sorry. I count my blessings every day that my mum is still here – despite the fact that she has twice survived cancer. Your mum is beautiful and I am certain that she looks over you every day. Thinking of you at this time lovely and sending you all my best. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo with this post, it means a lot xx
Leandra Bramham
May 23, 2015 at 6:05 am
So beautifully written, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's amazing that you keep your Mum's memory alive for your children, it's a wonderful thing to do. I'm sure she's so proud of you x
#binkylinky
Caz
May 23, 2015 at 6:29 am
I love the images you're creating for your children of your mum. #PoCoLo
Nigel
May 24, 2015 at 7:36 am
I love you love think desire love want need miss you forever xxxx
Mrs Tubbs
May 26, 2015 at 8:22 pm
I'm sorry for your loss, indroducing your mum to you kids and keeping her in your thoughts that way is a lovely thing to do. (My mum died late last year and I miss her). #binkylinky