Feeling like the worst mum ever

We had plenty of time to have breakfast, for me to have a shower and even wash and dry my hair. We didn’t need to rush to nursery and had a pleasant morning.

I picked the girls up from nursery, took them home and gave them lunch. 

Around 1.45pm we were heading out the door to go to playgroup. R had opened the front door and had stepped into the driveway, I turned to shut the front door and then it happened. 

M screamed. A gut-wrenching, back of the throat scream. I looked down and she was clutching her hand. She’d put her finger in the hinge of the door as I’d closed it. 

I held her hand, cuddled her and comforted her, then I felt my hand go warm and something trickle down my arm. Blood.

I shouted for R to come back inside and ran to the kitchen with M. I held a kitchen towel on her finger for what felt like forever, but in truth was probably only around ten minutes. Eventually the bleeding stopped, but M wouldn’t let me look at her finger. 

I caught a glimpse and could see it looked bad. I rang my husband and asked if I should take her to A&E, but we decided not too. I put a plaster on her finger and we went to play group.

M spent the whole time in my arms and a good hour whimpering saying her finger hurt, but toward the end of play group she was happily riding a bike around the room.

I gave her tea, my husband came home, looked at her finger and decided a trip to A&E was probably worthwhile.

This picture is blurry, but there is a gap underneath her nail and the other side of her finger is very bruised.

We spent three hours in A&E and were told that M would need to have an operation the following day to repair the damage. 

I felt awful. 

Awful for not taking her to A&E as soon as it happened.

Thinking if only I’d looked when I shut the door then she wouldn’t have caught her finger. 

Now she has to have an operation because of me, because I should have noticed her finger in the door. Why didn’t I notice?

She’s three. She’ll be knocked out completely for the operation and it’ll take around an hour.

I know accidents happen. Everyone keeps telling me that, but I still feel terrible. It’s my fault.

Why didn’t I look?

Why didn’t I take her to A&E straight away?