Grieving definitely doesn’t get any easier

September 1, 2014

In 2005 mum passed away.

She left behind a husband and two daughters.


She’d fought ovarian cancer for years.

When she passed away people would tell me that this feeling of emptiness, loneliness and great sadness would gradually fade away into a terrible memory.

I would get over it.

The truth?

I’ll never get over it.

I mean how am I meant to get over it?

It doesn’t make any sense.

She was 50 years old.

She had everything in front her.

I resent elderly people moaning about their lives.

You’re still alive!

Enjoy it! Make the most of it!

Why moan about it? Be grateful for the time you have left.
A recent story line in a popular ITV soap got me thinking about my mum this week.

Donna in Emmerdale has terminal cancer and she’s shown trying to come to terms with the fact that soon she will be leaving her four year old daughter April alone.

April won’t understand. She’ll be confused, lost and besides herself.

Wondering where mummy is and why she had to go so soon.

These feelings aren’t just confined to children though.

They’re very real for us adults too.

My mum must have been terrified.

She knew what was going to happen. She knew the inevitable and yet she never showed us, her children, that she was scared.

Of course she was.

She must have been just as confused as the rest of the us.

Thinking to herself that she would never get meet her grandchildren.

Never get to see her daughters grow up, get a job and buy a house.

Never get to see them get married.

She didn’t help me chose my wedding dress.

She wasn’t by my side when I was pregnant nor when my children were born.

I have no-one to ask questions.

I want to know, mother to daughter, how she found parenting twins.

I have so many questions I want to ask her, but I can’t.

She’s not here.

Want to know something about me?

My biggest fear in life is not seeing my children do all of the above things.

I mean can you just stop for a moment.

Sit down. Close your eyes.

Think of your children falling in love.

Buying a house.

Getting married and have children.

Can you imagine not being there to see it?

I’m scared.

I want my children to have a mum who gets see all those things. Be a part of all those things and help in anyway I can.

It doesn’t get easier when you’ve lost someone.

It just gets harder because when you grow up without a mum and you continue to live without her by your side you’ll always wonder what she would have done if she was in your shoes.

2 Comments

  • Beth Twinderelmo

    September 1, 2014 at 7:53 am

    To lose your Mom is so incredibly heartbreaking. It's cruel to be to robbed of your entire future. I've only been without my Mom 4 months yet everyday my heart breaks. I'm glad you have written this as everyone keeps telling me it gets easier but I know it never ever will. And I'm glad that someone has gone through it can be honest & say this. I don't know what else to say. But you offer me a lot of comfort xx

  • Catriona Stephen

    September 1, 2014 at 8:01 am

    I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I did what you said and tried to imagine not being there to see it and it's horrible. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

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